Can you think of anything more welcoming than “home sweet home”? Just the words alone have a calm feeling. To me “home sweet home” means that love is palpable. I feel peaceful and safe. Many homes are just that, peaceful. My hope is that you will create a “home sweet home” based in love. I know that it is possible to create one.
My passion is guiding parents into being happy parents who raise their happy children in a safe and peaceful atmosphere of love. There are choices to be made and one of the most significant is whether we will speak and act in a fear-based or love-based way in our home and which of those will be the policy of our household. It’s never too late to start a positive new way of being!
Fear-based vs Love-based Parenting
The fear-based way of The fear-based way of controlling a child’s behavior may produce the instant response a parent ways but have long term negative effects. Punishment divides relationships and creates a home of fear and tension. Punishment is fear-based, meaning that the child must hurt enough to “learn a lesson”. It is not effective in the long-run. Discipline, however, is love-based and the child has natural, consistent consequences that create learning, trust, consistency, and safety.
The data gathered from multiple research studies detail the results of fear-based parenting and they are not pretty. No one would consciously stifle their child’s intellectual or emotional intelligence, but that is exactly what happens. When faced with fear, child has two ways to respond: act out in rage or withdraw. In either response the child’s brain is driven from the thinking frontal lobe, the executive brain, to the lower survival part of the brain. “I’ll teach you a lesson” literally stunts the brain’s ability to learn and lowers IQ. Stress and feeling threatened disables the executive part of the brain which is necessary to making every day decisions and to learning. In general the ability to empathize, to develop meaningful relationships and to succeed in life is disabled.
Upon first glance it appears that a child raised in a fear-based setting is polite and behaves well. At the same time, it destroys the opportunity for a child to learn self-control and self-discipline that is critical to their survival in the world. Question: “Will good behavior continue when the parent is not in site? Is there trust and communication between the parent and child?”
Fear leads to deception and avoidance. Of course, want well-behaved children, but the speedy way to that end has temporary results. It unwittingly creates an unhealthy, deep-seated need for approval throughout life and sabotages self-worth.
If you really want your children to experience “home sweet home” and you want this for yourself also, then you will learn and practice modeling love and calmness. You will be willing to learn to be the parent who teaches, guides and coaches, a role where you are a real listener. Love encourages honest communication. The life-long positive results are so worth the effort!
There is a huge difference between a fear-based, controlling environment, and a love-based trusting environment. Fear based divides the parent and child, destroying possibilities for connection.
Love connects the child and parent and opens the gateway to learning together: empathy, communication skills, to caring for each other’s feelings and needs. Love-based parenting allows for times of appropriate anger, bad attitude and offers a safe harbor as wounds from an unfriendly world are healed.
My theory is “Happy Parents ~ Happy Children ~ Happy Family!” Who would not want happiness? You certainly want that and you can have it! You can do that by being a parent who assumes the role of model, coach and team leader, as one who loves, supports and encourages. You can begin today.
Love, support and encouragement do not mean over-giving or indulgence. It is well known that neither you nor your child will benefit from that.
Every home can be made a little sweeter when just one parent learns and practices the skills of love-based thinking, language and behavior. How could you express the values of love, kindness, patience and understanding in your words and behavior? Although it is a process and results happen over time with practice, you begin to feel a positive difference one day at a time. Listen to your heart. Your heart always has an answer that will lead you to choosing higher values as a parent. Your heart may lead you to seek professional help when there are special needs. Don’t “just “go it alone”. Start with kindness to yourself as a way of lessening your self-criticism. This will uplift you from feeling drained or discouraged. This will begin the happiness that you so deserve. Be patient with yourself and draw that kindness in your heart into your conversations with your child.
I love hearing from you! Simply *Click Here* with your thoughts and/or questions on this topic! Home Sweet Home Thoughts to You!
Barbara
Thanks to Karen Diehl, Editor!